a good(bye) friend

Sunday 18th December 08.11 a.m


a message from my friend tell me that something happened to our family. Someone I knew as a humorous and overjoyed girl had been passed away. obviously feel nothing but surprised, shocked like I can't believe it surely happened, feels like I-must-be-dreaming but couldn't change anything. The first thing that come up to my mind when I heard the news is just I really have to meet her no matter what. Heading Jakarta with full of speculation about what happened to her is a bad thing, so then I retrieving the moments that we ever shared together, the moment that I feel like living my life like what I really want, which is the thing that she ever taught me. living in your own without covering yourself up with dignity but happiness.


Nothing I can give to you except all the tears, the love, and pray. I wish God will give you a better place there, friend.. the jokes who belongs to you will be here in my memory with the precious moment that we ever spent.
Rest In Peace dearest sister -Juliana Manurung Psikologi Unpad 2009-

neither happy nor sad

I seriously forget when was the last time I drop the tear off my eyes, means that I've been forgot when was the last time I have things called 'problem'... play save on my life nowadays, might be because of "the tirany of freedom".. have this life like 180 degree difference with my life before. From the not-wanting-to-go-home person, and now become an always-want-to-go-home-ASAP person.. I just a bit feel awkward with this huge changes in life.. and seriously, have you ever feel like you don't have anything to expressed? feel, just nothing.. because I do, I don't feel anything, neither happy nor sad.  I don't have problems to anybody, and it feels like no dynamic of life, no emotion.. since two days ago,I feel like I wanna cry, but I don't have any reason to cry about, so I can't cry.. I do laugh everyday, but I still feel empty, feels like there's something uncompleted, feels like heartless, feels like robot.. 

I assumed that maybe this is what I'm asking to God, so this is what I got from Him.. 

Since in college, since I didn't get the university that I really want, I stop asking God for anything. I still pray to God, but just like what I said, I didn't ask Him to give me what I actually want, in my pray I just only say "God, you know the best". I thought life will be simpler if I didn't have any expectation, any demand, or anything to ask to God, I don't know I might be still thinking that "If God have been made a destiny for all of human being, why should I ask God to have a life on my own, because it feels like useless if I pray and strive for it, then what actually happen is none whatsoever like what I want"..So I decide to never asking God anything, because the more I asking Him, the more I expect it to be true.. 

And now, I'm feeling empty. Yes, God shows me what I'm asking, because I ask nothing to Him, He give me nothing, not a happiness or even a sadness but he give me the emptiness. seriously it feels worse, you don't feel like a human-being. you feel heartless. So guys, watch out what you're asking to God. 

just try

TRY - Nelly Furtado


All I know 
Is everything is not as it's sold 
but the more I grow the less I know 
And I have lived so many lives 
Though I'm not old 
And the more I see, the less I grow 
The fewer the seeds the more I sow 

Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 
Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness 
And all the real people are really not real at all 
The more I learn the more I cry 
As I say goodbye to the way of life 
I thought I had designed for me 

Then I see you standing there 
Wanting more from me 
And all I can do is try 
Then I see you standing there 
I'm all I'll ever be 
But all I can do is try 
Try 

All of the moments that already passed 
We'll try to go back and make them last 
All of the things we want each other to be 
We never will be 
And that's wonderful, and that's life 
And that's you, baby 
This is me, baby 
And we are, we are, we are, we are 
Free 
In our love 
We are free in our love 

whole-e-day

Holiday on university is really kind of a boredom for me, I'm not taking short-semester or what they called "semester pendek".. so I'm having two months without any routine activities. I've spent the holiday on Palembang like almost a month, accompanying my brother which had a block test till done. then go back to Jakarta.

me in holiday is really an unproductive human being. just spent money going to the mall with some friends, without earn even a penny. But I try cooked, and add some skill at cooking, even just the simple kind of food. yippie :D

This boredom finally found the end, yesterday. meet some of my brother's friend at Trans Studio Bandung. and have really good conversation with them, having so much laugh with them even we just already met. They are hilarious... Can't tell much more about them cause I just to busy to laugh at the time.. Actually, they are hilarious because of their accent.. my brother's friend which is from UnSri-Palembang speak in Palembang accent and I couldn't stop laughing on their weird yet funny accent..

Another friend of my brother is from Bandung, which is had Sunda accent. He spoke with a fluent Indonesia language, but still in Sunda's style.. really can't stop laughing at the time. besides his really weird yet funny accent on speaking, he's kind of good looking. I just have no idea, when talking about him, there's curve on my face known as smile :)

Still having my thought that falling in love is all just about the time, it happen just like that. I could analogize that love is just like a multiple choice case, you may choose one between so many option, the one that you choose   is not always the exact answer, it could be wrong, and could probably be true. you never know what you've been choose is correct or not, till you've got the result. before that, it means you really have to try to choose one, rite? if you never choose, how could you know that's the one? 

l'm on my way to make you proud someday

I do complain a lot in my life, about everything that related to me or even not. My assumption, it was genetic, because mom do complain about everything just like what I'm doing.
I share stories to mom a lot, do conversation just like what mother and daughter suppose to do. and ever since I decide to continue my study in psychology, I have this one subject of discussion that really bothers me.
It's when mom starts to talking about how she would be proud of her children if their become a doctor.
oh come on, what's wrong with another profession. It's not about I don't want to make mom happy, but I just feel have no passion becoming a doctor. I don't hate being a doctor, I just don't want to. it's always been succeed making me feel bad about my decision. Heard about what mommy said that she will be proud when having their children as a doctor, makes me feel she wont be happy looking at me which is soon will be a psychologist.

Dear mom, I never want to argue about me being a psychologist instead of being a doctor, I know it just would make you feel more disappointed to me. For God Sake, I really want to be someone that you can be proud of, but being a doctor is just not the way for me. I will make you proud someday, for being who I belongs to. I promise

about them

I can't desribe with whom I dropped my love to except them. My new smile, laugh, ridiculousness, anger, and all the moments we've already spent. we all have different character, different background, different way of think, different pitch, different stories, but not even one of those differents that I've already mentioned make us discriminate each other, we are not distinguishable. and I really love the way we shared stories to each other, some wanna tell her story if only we are complete -she doesn't like repeat the same stories for us- , some others tell her story with a loud voice -yes, she scream when talk about her story- , and others have their own way when tell their stories. their presence makes me think "why do I have to busy think about the one, when God already give me the nine" : D. I will acquaint them, later ;)

- to be continued -

she know herself well, but she never admit it

she's a letting go person, but she never admit it. she's hard to make a friend, she's bad at starting conversation and she's not good at keeping friends. I know exactly that her friend don't ever think to leave her, but she act like she will be okay without them even actually she's not. I don't know what's on her mind, I dont know what's inside her brain, she's insane. even with her love one, her love one never ever think about leaving her, but she -just like what I've said- not good at keeping friends, and keeping her love one. so, she act like she will be okay without him, then she let her love one go and leave her even she's not ready yet to be leave. I know what she feel and so does she.

medicine and you

well, I keep telling myself not to write anything more about you. How could I move on when I still keep remembering you and moments we've been through. I shouldn't be like this, but I really addicted to remind all the memories, it's a kind of pleasure for me. When I'm alone, when I go to sleep, when I wake up in the morning, why it should be you., sometimes I feel like it's bothering me, I hate it so damn much, but what can I do? I can't blame my brain for replaying the same documents that I ever keep very deep inside. And even when I take some medicine, I do remember you, your theory.

Two days ago I went to hospital because of the illness I've been suffer for a quite long day. I had a tonsillitis, and it's super duper bad disease. really hate it. Thus, the doctor give me an antibiotic and some other medicine. I will never take a medicine if it's not really urgent. I never ever like medicine because I have no capable to handle it, it used to be a big problem for me cause I couldn't gulp it down., poor me. Then you taught me how to consume the medicine without throw it away and feeling guilty, yet taking it and didn't taste the bitter pill.

Just like what I've ever told you, it would be the most useful knowledge for me and for my future family cause I do will teach my children how to take medicine just like your theory, that's why I remember you when I've to take a medicine.. huge thanks for the knowledge 29 :)

what kind of WORLD do you want ?

This isn't kind of new song, but I found it well ;)
World - Five for Fighting


Got a package full of Wishes
A Time machine, a Magic Wand
A Globe made out of Gold 

No Instructions or Commandments
Laws of Gravity or
Indecisions to uphold 

What kind of world do you want?
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now... 

Should there be people or peoples
Money, Funny pedestals for Fools who never pay
Raise your Army - Choose your Steeple
Don't be shy, the satellites can look the other way 

Lose the Earthquakes - Keep the Faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
Let every Man own his own Hand
Can you dig it baby

What kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now... 

Sunlight's on the Bridge
Sunlight's on the Way
Tomorrow's Calling 

There's more to this than Love

What Kind of world do you want
What Kind of world do you want

What Kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece

History Starts Now

Be careful what you wish for
Start Now

Now...

hey look it's MOVE!!

hey, did you guys see it's move? I actually will say yes it is, it seems like its move. Ask me why I choose this picture, it's a kind of picture that really projected me. It looks like moving but when you focused on the dot, you see it doesn't move at all.

any spontaneous post

I'm on my mood to write something on my sophisticated diary., have nothing to talk about,though. 

As usual, spending time with some friends on this bored saturday. I spent lots of time in this kind of cafe called che.co -stands for cherish corner- for the sake of blogging, chit-chatting, gathering, sharing, gossiping, eating, or just enjoying the hotspot. 

Here, I'm watching my friend come and go while I still captivating my own  bussiness. A bit sounds melancholic but I admit it that they really are my friends but they can't, won't and don't even want to be by my side for a really long time. yapp, there's a time that they will go and I can't hold them to stay because I don't even have any authority to do that. And being alone that time is not a big problem for me because I thought I will meet them very soon. So, why I have to be sad for being left since I know that I still have them even not by my side. Keeping them as a good friend of mine, as a good-bad memories for a lifetime, as a human being, as them no matter who they are. It's such a moral value that I got being here for a really long hours.

Kalo gak mau jatuh, ya jangan cinta

Gue tidak sedang dalam fase percintaan, tidak mencintai, ataupun dicintai, -fase ini dibilang enak juga enggak, dibilang gak enak juga bukan- Ini fase dimana hati sedang dalam keadaan netral, ketika tidak ada siapapun di dalam hati dan otak, tidak ada kata kangen atau apapun itu kosakata dalam percintaan. Ini fase yang benar-benar berada di tengah-tengah, fase dimana 'yang lama' sudah jarang menggoda untuk dipikirkan dan 'yang baru' untuk dipikirkan tak kunjung datang. Sebenernya ini adalah fase paling produktif kalo menurut gw, dimana otak bisa dipakai untuk memikirkan berbagai hal dan berbagai aktivitas, karena kalau bukan dalam fase ini, pasti ada aja yang dipikirin tentang seseorang disana sedang apa, atau seseorang disana sudah makan belum, atau kenapa seseorang disana tak kunjung memberi kabar. Dan gue cukup tertawa saja melihat "how stupid we are when we're fallin love"..

Words come by its meaning. itulah kenapa cinta dipasangkan dengan kata jatuh. kalo mau dipikir-pikir, bisa banyak banget arti jatuh cinta. kalo gue liat secara harafiah., jatuh itu ya jatuh kebawah, iya sakit, sekecil apapun lukanya, jatuh itu pasti ada rasa sakitnya kan. kalo itu tadi definisi jatuh, sekarang definisi cinta. well, sampe sekarang pun gw gak bisa definisiin cinta secara harafiah., terlalu abstrak, terlalu teoritis kalopun mau didefinisikan. Tapi buat gw pribadi, love is all about the right time, right circumstances, and chemistry. Temen gue dulu pernah bilang, jatuh cinta itu ya persis kyk kimia dimana elektron saling berikatan membentuk entah ikatan ion ataupun ikatan kovalen, intinya cinta itu bisa dianalogikan elektron dalam atom dimana yang kuat adalah yang dalam keadaan seimbang. bener banget kan, seimbang, saling memberi dan saling menerima.

Kalau tadi adalah arti jatuh cinta secara harafiah, ada lagi arti jatuh cinta lainnya dalam benak gue. ketika untuk merasakan cinta kita harus jatuh dulu atau ketika kita sudah cinta lalu dengan sendirinya kita akan terjatuh atau ketika cinta benar-benar membuat kita jatuh. atau Jatuh dan Cinta adalah dua kosakata yang saling melengkapi dimana yang satu memberi kesan negatif dan yang satu lagi memberi kesan positif. iya, absurd banget emag dari tadi yang gw omongin, gaperlu dimengerti kok, gw cuma lagi numpahin pemikiran kenapa cinta harus dipasangkan dengan kata jatuh, kesan yang gue dapet ya ironis aja. Buat gw yang sedang tidak dalam fase cinta, bukan berarti gw tidak sedang dalam fase jatuh, dan gw harap setelah melewati fase jatuh gw bisa dengan segera bergerak ke fase cinta. (iya gw tau, terdengar labil dan galau, silakan tertawa).mehehe :D

that's why I LOVE sleep so damn much

hey pals! how are things with you?

me? great.. Finally I found how to enjoy this life, I'm trying not to ask God anything, so then I just can be grateful with any single thing that I've got.. It's not definitely a good way, but it's my own way

eh, pernah mikir buat lari dari kenyataan gak?

gw? sering banget.. bahkan gak cuma mikir doang, gw sampe menciptakan teori buat gw pribadi dimana kalo gw sedang ingin lari dari kenyataan, tidur adalah salah satu media paling efektif untuk itu..

Hahaa, istilah 'lari dari kenyataan' kedengerannya melankolis banget dan sinetron abis, tapi emang itu ungkapan yang paling pas sih buat hal satu ini. 

Jadi kalo lagi ada masalah dan sedang tidak ingin memikirkannya, gw memilih untuk tidur. meninggalkan masalah-masalah tersebut selama 2-3 jam. atau kalau sedang galau dan labil, lebih baik tidur daripada garuk-garuk tembok atau jadi omongan orang-orang sekitar karena kelakuan masih kayak ABG labil. oops malah jadi ngomongin galau.hha it's so two thousand and ten.

Teori gw ini sangat gw aplikasikan ke kehidupan gw, that's why I love sleep so damn much.Kalo dipikir-pikir, tidur memang gak akan menyelesaikan masalah yang gw punya, tapi toh gw jadi punya waktu untuk sejenak ga mikirin masalah itu dengan menyisipkan cerita lain dalam hidup gw. Setiap mimpi dalam tidur gw pun bahkan gw anggap sebagai bagian cerita dari hidup gw. kadang, saking cinta nya sama tidur, suka ketuker mana yang realita mana yang cuma mimpi. lagi dalam realita berharap itu cuma mimpi, kadang dalam mimpi berharap itu adalah realita., bukan, gw tidak menyesali apa yang terjadi pada kehidupan nyata gw., tapi ada kalanya lo mengalami kejadian yang tidak lo inginkan bukan? manusiawi kan?

Kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, tidur juga banyak manfaatnya kok, tidur cukup bisa buat jaga kesehatan, tapi toh Tuhan tidak menciptakan kita hanya untuk menikmati mimpi bukan? dan gak selamanya juga yang ada di mimpi itu selalu yang kita inginkan, ada kalanya malah gw bersyukur itu cuma mimpi. ah, hidup itu serba relatif, gak ada hal yang mutlak dan kebenaran yang absolut tentang segala sesuatunya. pantes aja dunia kehidupan ini disebut dunia fana., karena toh memang didalamnya gak ada yang benar-benar nyata keberadaannya, semua tergantung pada sesuatu yang abstrak. yupp, talk about life, it is something really absurd. from the beginning till the end. bad luck for you thinker, I'm not on your side, I prefer being a dreamer but still a reality recognizer. besides that, I love a thinker by the way.