Call me the Affection Seeker

Ada satu waktu dimana lo achieve something yang mungkin wujudnya fana, tapi lo sangat tunggu-tunggu dan lo bersyukur ketika lo mendapatkan hasil yang lo harapkan. Pada satu waktu itu, yang lo rasain adalah purely happiness, diantara bangga lo bisa sampe di batas itu, dan sangat deg-degan dan khawatir untuk menuju ke fase berikutnya. And what do you need to heal the anxiety of being dramatically happy? a simple hug. To appreciate what you have done, and to make you enjoy the moment, while giving a simple advice to through another phase, the thing that you called support. And, not everyone can get this, lucky you, and don't forget to be grateful about this little support thing that really means a lot to your soul.

creepy creepy world out there

I just read about the trilogy video clip of Sia's song, the chandelier, elastic heart, and a big girl cry on this link http://vigilantcitizen.com/musicbusiness/disturbing-message-behind-sias-videos-chandelier-elastic-heart-big-girls-cry/ I got from my colleague. Then, after reading it, I watch the video and try to synchronise it with the article.. And the after effect of doing it is.. now, I feel like I'm living in a big big creepy world, until I can't find the comfort space except my own bedroom...

Well, the article generally talk about child abusive, or child exploitation, or about the pedophilia thing, and any other things that involve child in it. When I have a situation, I spontaneously looking for whose to blame -which I ought to not to do this- , either those who's looking for benefit without thinking about the side effect as in the producer, or those whose too naive when watching it as in the consumer, or those who actually have control but then just leave it behind as in the parents..

Talking about child exploitation, even if the child like to do some dance, or act, or sing things, they don't have the responsibility to make money even for themselves rite? In my deepest thought, what they need is the chances to grow, do anything they want to explore which one is wrong and which one is right, with the parent as the boundaries to help them, so when they grew up, they can survive in   this mean world. And, what actually a child needs to (just) survive in this world?

Then I see my friends, some of them now are working for companies, some of them continuing their education to a higher level, and some of them get married and ready to have a baby.. What is actually people busy catching for? Is it true that life is about compete with each other? Then why people so busy collecting money to buy so many expensive things? To be proud of themselves? or to feel better than others? then why people have to feel so lucky with their own life, if feeling lucky means the other is not as lucky as you? I mean what's the point of all that? what is humanity really means then? anyone can define what humanity is?

The one you never had

This might be the best explanation about my current feeling of someone I really do care.. He might be is the one I never had, which may will continue to hurt me like forever..

But the time I have spent with him is not a waste, it was a spontaneous joy we'd never plan we had, but tick tick time is running out till we realise we're never meant for each other from the very first time.

Mr. Wonderwall

Semenjak nonton SATC yang sekarang muncul di starworld tiap malam, jadi mulai tertarik lagi buat ngerasain seninya menulis. biar cem ala-ala Carrie Bradshaw gitu deh hidup gw. But, since sex is somehow taboo in our culture, then people choose to write anything about love, or it's just only me who generate people.. hihi

Well, talkin bout love, there's something in my overthinking mind that bothers me from the second I woke up.. Dari kemarin mimpiin orang-orang yang pernah terlalu dekat dalam kehidupan gw di Bandung.. we can call this two man with Mr. Nice and Mr. Wonderwall. Maybe my subconscious just miss them, miss their existence in my daily life, well since I get back to Jakarta, it needs an extra effort to meet them. 

I prefer talk about Mr. Wonderwall that bothers me this whole day. I miss having a little chit chat with him, a long private talkin bout anything, and those high tones of voice that we both made because of having different opinion about something. I miss this guy that reflects myself like a mirror. The wall between me and him as big as the feeling of scare if he's not around me, there when I need.

And start asking myself, how could we feel so sure about the relationship we're in, when there's always the chance that you might fallen with other personalities that you could get comfort more, or what is actually we're looking for in a relationship?

Banjir kata-kata

Menemukan kembali keberadaan blog ini seperti menemukan harta karun rasanya. Terlalu banyak momen yang terlewat, terlalu banyak rasa yang tak sempat terekspresikan, dan terlalu banyak kata-kata yang ingin segera dituangkan, sabar ya, aku butuh waktu untuk kembali merangkai kata setelah lama tak melakukannya.

Saat ini, ada dua hal yang sedang berperang dalam pikiranku untuk jadi cerita yang akan kutulis. supaya adil, aku harus menjaga keduanya dalam ingatan agar tak buyar dan dapat menuliskan keduanya.

Hal pertama adalah tentang betapa aku sangat menikmati membaca atau mendengarkan cerita kehidupan orang lain, tapi kesulitan untuk menuliskan cerita tentang kehidupanku. Ada satu titik dalam hidupku dimana aku akhirnya sadar bahwa selama ini aku tak pandai bercerita, not a typical of storyteller girl when other girls can't stop talkin about theirself, satu titik ketika aku merasa tidak adil pada pasanganku karena selama aku menjalani hubungan dengannya, hanya dia yang cerita tentang hidupnya, tapi aku tidak.

Ergh, ternyata susah menjadi seorang penulis, yang harus bisa fokus pada apa yang sedang ia ceritakan, sedangkan aku kesulitan merangkai mana dulu yang harus diceritakan, atau apakah bagian ini bisa jadi bagian yang berkesinambungan dengan kalimat atau topik yang sedang aku bicarakan. And this is one of the reason there's not so much post in my blog, but just so you know, there's more than hundred draft on it. no. just kidding. it was just ten draft I guess. haha

Dan pada dasarnya, ide utama dari cerita pertama adalah. boom. it's already gone and I already forget that... damn. dan bye juga ide kedua. haha

3 years later

when writing this post, I'm thinking about, should I start it with "I" or should I write it with "They said" or with some another good quotes like people nowadays, then it goes just like this. Been almost 3 years I've forgot about this blog, well now there's so many place to throw your sh*t which called twitter, then we have place to put picture called instagram, and we have place to always put what we're doing called path, so everyone start to forget about place called blog (including me). But then I miss this place, where I can write anything in my mind, speak it to the world out loud without caring how many people will love it or like it. oh how I miss writing, and this blog quite make me feel good about myself that I used to write, even not so much, and the things that I wrote is not important like at all..

It's March 2105. So many things change, so many things I want to write, too many values or lesson in life that I've got this past year, but so little documentation about that all. ugh stupid. okay, note to self,  I will write things down from rite now in this place.

But one thing I wanna tell to my future self just as a reminder if one day she suddenly found this blog. Please write what's on your mind dear self, you need that. one thing that always bother her is the over thinker side of her, deep down, I think those over think habit will make her gone crazy if you don't have media to express it. A lesson in life, will have it values if you either write it down, or discuss it with others, if you just keep it in yourself and you don't write it down, it will fade away in any second. got that? ;)